We were up reasonably early and with one objective for the day – to find our way into town. Blimey, it’s only ten minutes away. A town’s a big place. How can we miss it? We studied the map more carefully this morning and realised that last night we were walking in the complete opposite direction to where the town and beach really were. This was all down to Alexthefirstchoicerep giving us bloody useless directions yesterday. In fact, as he’d given us directions we hadn’t really bothered with the map but once we’d had a good look at it, it was obvious the town and beach really were only ten minutes away but behind and to the right of the hotel instead of in front and to the left. So, it was going to be the town this morning followed by the rep’s ‘Welcome Session’ in the hotel at 3 pm. But before all this excitement we had to have breakfast.
Breakfast and the evening meal are the same as other hotels we’ve stayed in – buffet style, help yourself until you burst then stagger out. It was with some trepidation that I approached the coffee machine for the first time and guess what? I had a bit of a problem. So what you say. What’s new? I agree. You’d think that over the years I would have encountered every conceivable problem with these damn machines but they always manage to catch you by surprise. This time it wasn’t even something new. I was deceived by the oldest trick in the coffee machine book. The old double nozzle whammy. It all seemed so simple. Up one end was the black coffee push button and nozzle; up the other end was the white coffee button and nozzle. I put my cup under the black coffee nozzle, pushed the black coffee button and watched helplessly as the black coffee gracefully poured out of the white coffee nozzle and down the grid at the other end.
As it turned out I would have been extremely disappointed if it hadn’t.
My breakfast time was spent, as ever, marvelling at the plate loads of stuff the Germans brought back to their tables. They’re very into bread are the Germans. Great wads of dark brown slabs of it. It’s dense and heavy and looks like a doormat. A bit like the Germans themselves really. And sausage. The Germans love their sausage don’t they? Bierwurst, blutwurst, bockwurst and bratwurst, braunschweiger, cervelat, frankfurter and knockwurst, weinerwurst, weisswurst, knackwurst and whatswurst – oh I’ve been everywhere man……..
We found the town in no time, it was only ten minutes away, did I tell you that? And spent a happy few hours strolling around shops all selling the same things but at different prices just to keep you on your toes. Then it was back to the hotel for a spot of sunbathing before the ‘Welcome Session’. As we entered the hotel foyer there stood Alexthefirstchoicerep who told us that the welcome session was now at 1 pm and not 3 pm. As it was now 12.45 pm he’s going to be lucky if he manages to inform everybody of the change in time just by standing in the foyer and hoping he sees someone he might recognise isn’t he? Never mind, he told us and that’s all that matters.
We wandered into the bar area where the session had been set up. Why we were going I just don’t know. Yes I do. There was a free glass of sangria in it for me. So clutching my glass we sat down as far away as possible from the hastily erected easel and display board which Alexthefirstchoicerep was now standing in front of. Alexthefirstchoicerep had already confirmed my impression of holiday reps on the first day I saw him – stupid, conceited, unfunny, un-informative and a waste of space generally.
Then he started.
“Good morning everyone.”
A few people mumbled, “Morning.”
“Come on, you can do better than that. I’ll say it again.”
Good grief.
“Good morning everyone,” he shouted.
A few more people murmured, “Morning” slightly louder but not much.
“That’s better,” he said, “it’s not really morning is it? It’s afternoon but I expect for some of you who’ve just got up it is morning eh?”
He waited for the laughs and nods of recognition which unfortunately for him didn’t materialise. The stony silence didn’t put him off though. He carried on in a very serious tone of voice, “You’ll probably find that as we share the hotel with the Germans, the sun beds will be covered in towels early in the morning but please don’t do that as it’s unfair on everyone else.”
Oh really? Is that so Alex? I couldn’t believe what he’d just said. It would be a lot fairer Alex old son, if you took a loud hailer out to the pool area, stood on top of the diving board and shouted that out to the bloody Germans wouldn’t it? You plonker.
We sat through the usual self-promotion and pushing of “fantastic” excursions and party nights which Alex could sell to us if we wanted to throw our money down the drain so while he was launching into yet another “fantastic” feature of some “fantastic” pub crawl which I couldn’t give a bugger about, I wandered over and took a second glass of sangria for myself and Pauline before the quota of one glass per person ran out. There’s always someone not drinking isn’t there? There is if they’re not quick enough when I’m around.
After trying and failing to0 flog a dead horse for twenty minutes or so, Alexthefirstchoicerep went into his finale as follows:
“Right,” he said, “I want you all to do something for me now. I’d like everybody to stand up”.
Nobody moved.
“Don’t be scared,” he said.
A couple of people slowly stood up glancing around in embarrassment followed by the rest of us five minutes later.
“OK. Those people who’ve come on holiday for a rest….sit down,” he said.
I immediately sat down.
“Those of you who came for night life and a good time….sit down.”
Some more people sat down.
“Anyone here for restaurants and good food and drink…..sit down.”
Some more people sat down.
“Anyone who came to take the mickey out of everyone else especially the Germans….sit down.”
I stood up so I could sit down again.
Then, once he had everyone sitting down his finishing line was, “So you see everyone’s here for something different and First Choice can give it to you.”
Right on Alex. What a finish. Beats me why you’re not working in Las Vegas somewhere. MacDonald’s are always looking I hear. The meeting broke up and I never did get my third glass of sangria.
Tonight at dinner two young men came in and sat at a table not far from us. The procedure in the evening is that you’re shown to a table, a waiter takes your drinks order after which you make your way up to the buffet to stuff yourselves silly. During the course of our meal I noticed the two men had been sitting there waiting for someone to come up and take their drinks order. They seemed slightly unsure of themselves, glancing around, patiently waiting for some attention and gradually looking more and more uncomfortable. I knew that they had been sitting there for the best part of fifteen minutes so I suddenly got up, collared a waiter and mentioned that “those two people over there are still waiting.” On the way back I went over to them and said, “Are you English?” One of them said, “No, we’re Dutch.”
“Oh dear, never mind,” I said, “I think you might get served soon.”
After another drawn out five minutes a waitress eventually turned up and started to take their order. I looked over and started to clap. The two lads looked back at me slightly embarrassed and smiled. One of them gave me the thumbs-up sign which I returned.
I said to Pauline, “I’m sure they’re gay.”
“What does that matter?” she said.
“Nothing,” I said, “I’m just glad I could help them out.”
During their meal they started to eat things off each others plates.
“Look at that,” I said, “they’re definitely gay, look at them, bloody hell.”
As we left the dining room I smiled and waved at them.
Why did I do that?
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