Malta 2006 - Day 10

The hotel appears to be a lot more crowded all of a sudden. There’s been a sudden influx of Russians, Germans and Chavs so politeness, manners and general thoughtfulness for other people has gone right out the window.

All the sun beds are taken very early now. The Russians seem to allocate themselves a sun bed and a plastic chair by putting a towel on the bed and then piling the chairs on top of them. The Chavs are slowly taking over the pool with their kids (who shouldn’t be out of school yet), their lilos, swimming rings and general water paraphernalia that somehow makes their swimming experience so much better for them and so much worse for the rest of us. I’m starting to hear cries of, “Wayne, don’ frow yer chips in the wa’er” and “Shane, ‘elp yer bruvver quick e’s just bin sick on that laydee,” a lot more often this week.

Sales of burger and chips at the pool bar have shot up as have pints of lager. “Never mind that local crap mate, gimme a pint o’ ‘Eineken even if I am being ripped off an’ it’s costing me an arm an’ a leg.”

Pauline’s just told me that the wrist bands that look like hospital id tags are in fact worn by guests who have paid for an all inclusive holiday package. All inclusive meaning all the food you can eat and all your drinks (soft drinks, local beer and wine) are included in the booking price. No wonder the majority of people wearing them are overweight. It all makes sense now.

The Da Vinci Code still seems to be the most popular choice of holiday reading. I remember last year everybody around the pool had a copy. Mind you the sort of people reading it probably started it last year and are still only on the first chapter.

TRUE LIFT STORY NO. 5

The lifts are very slow and very, very hot. Once the lift doors close it’s like an oven. The temperature quickly becomes almost unbearable. Tonight a one-legged West Country man in shorts got in with his wife. I mention his one-leggedness not because it’s particularly relevant to the story but because it happens to be true. As the lift doors closed and it said to us, “Doors closing,” we all stood there perspiring in the heat when the one-legged man said, “Oi wouldn’t loike to sleep in yere.”

Dear oh dear…

“No,” we all said and laughed.

But come on, that’s the most unlikely thing that’s ever going to happen to you isn’t it? Sorry sir, you can’t sleep in your room tonight you’ve got to sleep in the lift. It’s not going to happen is it?

So what a stupid thing to say…even if you have only got one leg.

I passed the lifts today and the big bloke was throwing out two little old ladies and shouting at them for overloading the lift yet again.

Later in the day I was waiting for the lift. The doors opened and the big bloke was standing in there.

“I’ll get the next one,” I said.