Malta 2006 - Day 12

Waiting for the bus today the doors opened and it was surprisingly empty except for a few locals and the big bloke.

“I’ll get the next one,” I said.

Aaah, they’re back together. Sun beds side by side and he’s putting sun cream on her back so all’s right with the world.

Phew!

TRUE LIFT STORY NO. 6

A little old man who looked like Rob Wilton got in the lift with his little old wife who also looked like Rob Wilton. The fan which is built into the lift ceiling was making a terrible grating noise.

“Eh, oh, by ‘eck, wha dee in a reet nobolly in’t it?” the man said.

I didn’t panic at this.

I just did what I normally do in these situations.

I smiled, raised my eyebrows and looked at Pauline for help.

“Yes,” Pauline said, “it’s the noise of the fan. It doesn’t appear to make much difference whether it’s working or not does it?”

“Ooh ee ooh ah ah, ding dang walla walla bing bang,” the woman said.

“Heh, heh, heh,” I chuckled, assuming she’d made some sort of comic response but looked on in horror as Pauline said, “No, don’t worry, don’t be frightened. It’s not the lift that’s going to fail. It will be all right.”

“Ah eeh bokka bokka eh oop bama lama bama loo,” said the woman and then looking at the display counting us down from floor seven to zero she said, “At least it’s working.”

“Excuse me,” I said, “what did you just say?”

“At lait wok eh in’t it eh?” she said.

“That’s what I thought you said,” I said.

The big bloke asked me if I wanted a drink today.

“I’ll get the next one,” I said.

It’s now 4 p.m. local time and I believe England are playing a football match at 5 p.m. or thereabouts. The pool area has completely emptied out and there are lots of fat men and women suddenly appearing dressed in England football strip and with pints of lager in their hands. One bloke’s walking around dressed in red and white with ‘Rooney’ written on the back of his shirt. I suppose he’s an England fan and an old Hollywood fan as well. You’d have thought he’d have put Rooney’s first name, Mickey, on his shirt wouldn’t you?

I’m secretly practising all my footballing knowledge so I can ingratiate myself with the crowd if I’m pushed into a verbal corner. The words and phrases I’ve memorised so far are ‘Noooooooooo’, ‘Yeeeeeeeeesssssss’, ‘On me ‘ead’, ‘Go on my son’, ‘Ooooooh’ and ‘Aaaaaaahhh’.

The trouble is when I put them all together I sound like Frankie Howerd.

“Ooooooh, noooooooo, yeeeeeeeesss, aaaaaah, on me ‘ead missus, ooooh no don’t”.

I’ve also got two contingency plans. One for if we win and one for if we lose. If we win and I’m pressed for a comment by some lout in red and white I shall repeat the word ‘easy’ for thirty minutes non-stop or until he goes away.

If we lose, and this is where I’m on uncertain ground as I don’t really want to upset anyone any more than they are already, I shall say, “Well, let’s face it England weren’t ever likely to win the World Cup in the first place were they? What with that useless manager whatsisname and the football kicker who broke his foot or something so he couldn’t play but he did in the end because the other ten men were useless without him and then when it came to it Posh had a bunion and couldn’t walk properly so the captain bloke who’s married to her was probably worrying about that and anyway cricket’s a much better game isn’t it at least the players can usually string a few sentences together don’t you think apart from Mike Gatting that is but we lost eh never mind we won the Ashes last year and the rugby World Cup the year before that so we didn’t need to win this silly football thing anyway did we?”

I think that’s what I’ll say. Just got to try and remember it all. I don’t want to leave anything out and risk upsetting anyone dressed in red and white.

I really hope we win though.

There’ll be far less for me to remember.

The big bloke has just jumped into the pool completely soaking a little old lady by the pool side.

“I’ll wet the next one,” I said.

There appears to be an ice cream van doing the rounds on a daily basis. It plays a tinkling version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Very seasonal.