Woke up with Pauline shouting, “We’ve overslept, we’ve overslept. It’s 9.35, we’ll never make that meeting now. I’ll have to go down and try and catch the last ten minutes of the meeting while you and Emma get ready
Breakfast is between 8 and 10.30 and it looks like we might not even make that. While Emma and I are bumbling about getting ready Pauline rushed off to the rep’s meeting. She got back to the room at 10.10 and we all rushed down to breakfast. Managed to get some but it’s disconcerting, sitting eating your toast when everything’s being cleared away and switched off.
Anyway, what shall we do today? How about a nice relaxing stroll along the sea-front, walk into town to get our bearings and the afternoon by the pool? Sounds horrible but we forced ourselves to do it.
Just started our stroll along the sea-front. Scorching hot, not a cloud in the sky. Suddenly we passed two blokes waving tickets in the air and shouting something at us. As in most holiday resorts these days there always seems to be a smattering of time-share touts about but not nearly as many as there used to be and consequently the chances of being bothered get remoter……….but there they were.
‘No thanks,” I said and strolled on only to turn around to see Emma and Pauline talking to them and being given scratch cards. I carried on walking trying to put as much distance between them and me as possible but as I strolled on I could hear in the distance phrases like “you could win a free holiday” and “you might win 400,000 pesetas” and “just spare us a few minutes” wafting along on the gentle cooling breeze.
I carried on walking, getting more and more annoyed that Pauline had stopped and got involved with these people. I couldn’t believe that Pauline of all people was letting herself be drawn into all this in the first place. I put even more distance between us and sat down on a bench. Not long after, one of these blokes ran up to me and said, “I know you won’t believe this but your wife’s just won one of the star prizes.”
“I don’t want to know. I’m not interested thanks,” I said.
“No, hang on. She really has, it’s either the free holiday, 400,000 pesetas or a camcorder. All you have to do to claim it is to go into our offices which are just opposite over there, let them tell you about our new revolutionary holiday hotel packages and walk out with your prize. It’s not time-share it’s an attempt to get away from time-share so you’ve got no worries.”
“I’m not interested thanks.”
“But you don’t have to do anything. Just go in, it’ll take 60 minutes of your time at the most and all you have to do is listen and then walk out with your prize.”
“No thanks.”
“It’s only a short time,” said Pauline, who, like Emma was convinced they had won something too good to turn down. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How many times have you read about the methods used in time-share selling and here was Pauline willing to believe that they were just going to hand over 400,000 pesetas or whatever - for nothing?
“Look, you’ve got nothing to lose sir and everything to gain. 60 minutes of your time, listen to some chat, watch a video and then you’ll be taken up to that hotel complex you can see along the coast there, have a look around, brought back and that’s it.”
“I don’t want to know. I don’t want to waste my time. First it’s a quick chat and collect your prize now it’s a 60 minute chat, watch a video and visit that hotel place, how long is all that going to take? I’ll tell you how long. All bloody day, that’s how long. Look, you tell me that, surpnse surprise, we’ve won one of three star prizes. Every scratch card you have will tell us that.”
‘No, that’s not true sir. Some people have won T-shirts, some win a bottle of Champagne. The big prizes are not that common.”
‘I am not interested, look, suppose we’ve really won one of these three big prizes and suppose I submit myself to at least 60 minutes of hell, which of the three prizes, a free holiday, 400.000 pesetas or a camcorder do you think I’ll win?”
‘Don’t know sir until we scratch off this part of the ticket once we get inside.”
“Well I do. It‘ll be the camcorder. The least expensive of the three.”
“We don’t know that It’s a one in three chance isn’t it?”
“No it’s not. It’s 100 per cent certain.”
“Don’t you want a camcorder?”
“Why, is that what I’ve won?”
“Not necessarily.”
“No, I don’t want a camcorder. I couldn’t care less.”
And so it went on. I had Emma and Pauline still wanting to go ahead, with me resisting. Eventually I said to Pauline, “If you want to do this then we’ll do it but I’m taking no part in what goes on and I’m taking no interest either.”
“Great, can I have your name please sir?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Come on, we don’t want your address, it’s just for reference.”
‘I’d rather not.”
“You don’t have to give us your real name. Make one up.”
“You make one up.”
“We need a name from you.”
“What difference does it make if you make it up or I make it up? lt’s just a false name”.
“But that’s not how it works.”
“OK I’ve made a name up - Schweizkof.”
“Thanks, you won’t regret any of this. How do you spell it?”
“How would you spell it if you’d just made it up? Pretend you’ve just made it up and you’ll be able to spell it won’t you?”
“OK, just come over the road there to the offices.”
He took us in to a place consisting of rows of tables and chairs where punters were being talked at by the company sales people. Before we did anything however we were asked to sit down at a desk while a young lady would give us an introduction with some background on what was going on.
“First, we’re not a time-share operation and –“
“We’ve already been told that.”
“OK, we are going to ask you to spend 60 minutes of your time and –
“We’ve already been told that too.”
“Right, well, it’ll be 60 minutes, we’ll take you to the hotel where you can have some fun and we’ll even lay on a taxi to bring you back.”
“Hang on,” said Pauline, some doubts beginning to enter her mind, “aren’t we taken there and back anyway?”
“When you stay the full 60 minutes and find yourselves enjoying it so much that you want to stay longer then we will bring you back along with everyone else who has stayed longer.”
“I just want to get the 60 minutes over with,” I said.
“I don’t think perhaps you have the right approach to this,” the young lady said to me.
“I’m not interested. I’ve never been interested.”
“Perhaps you should not be carrying on with this.”
“Couldn’t care less.”
“I think perhaps well just go,” said Pauline.
“It might be best,” said the young lady.
At this point, a smartly dressed man who had been hovering in the background suddenly came over and said, “It’s probably better if you feel that you don’t want to spare us some time now, to go away and maybe come back and see us another day. We’re always here and will be pleased to see you.”
The young lady then produced a pre-printed form and asked me to write down our reasons for not continuing and then to sign it. I didn’t feel that I should even bother to do this but I did.
“Thank you,” she said, “and have a fantastic holiday while you’re here.”
I was out of my chair and in the street before she’d finished the sentence. I was in a foul mood, we’d already wasted about 45 minutes and we’d only progressed a few hundred yards along the seafront.
“I don’t believe you let yourself get drawn into all that, I just don’t believe it,” I said to Pauline.
“I know, let’s forget it,” she said.
Further on we were passed by a car, it tooted at us and the two ticket touts were in it. “That was a quick 60 minutes,” they shouted sarcastically, “‘doesn’t time fly when you’re enjoying yourself.”
What a change in attitude that was. Earlier they were acting as our long-lost friends, now they were almost spitting out their anger at realising we hadn’t taken up the offer. No commission for you then, I thought. Bloody good job too.
“By the way, what did you write on that girl’s form,” asked Pauline.
‘It’s not been a pleasure. I hope you all rot in hell,” I said.
{Wish I had though)
We strolled through the town later and passed Stringfellows club. Didn’t know he had a club in Fuengirola did you? It wasn’t until I got closer that I noted in very small letters above “STRINGFELLOWS” the word ‘Ronnie’. Must be his brother I suppose or could even be his dad. Can’t imagine its someone unrelated just cashing in on the name somehow can you?
We found a small bar away from the sea front and down a side street which we went in for lunch. Three beers and four tapas for under four pounds, not bad. I always make a point or drinking and eating in the bars and restaurants that are frequented by the locals. The atmosphere’s better, the prices are cheaper and you don’t usually get any bloody English tourists in them. Always a bonus. As we left we said we’d make sure we went back and took a visual note of the surrounding landmarks so we could be sure of finding it again.
Spent the afternoon on the beach.
There’s a sign by the hotel pool which says “WIMMING NOT ALLOWED AT NIGHT”. Quite right too eh? Don’t want them splashing about, screaming and acting all soppy at all hours of the night while we’re trying to sleep do we?
For dinner tonight there was a choice between Porc Cuttle and Seafarin Fish. Yum yum.
After dinner we watched a show in the hotel. It was billed as Brazilian Carnival 2000. It consisted of two gay male dancers and four women who may or may not have been gay, I find it hard to tell really. Anyway, they were dancing to backing tapes of Brazilian carnival music and to try and relieve the tedium they had a short fat bloke who came on and juggled with what looked like round gold painted tea trays. He spun them like plates and balanced them on his head, hands, feet and penis. What can I tell you? It was, well, bloody boring.
He only really used his head, hands and feet, but you knew that already didn’t you?
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