Here’s another cracking idea for a good breakfast.
Pretend you’re French and experience a French breakfast.
The French look is easy to do as long as you prepare in advance. If you’re a woman stop removing any of your body hair until you’re tripping over the stuff. When you’re naked, your pubic area should look like you’re wearing a loin cloth. Don’t worry about your bikini line you can just stuff it all in once you’ve got your bikini bottom on, well most of it anyway. I would recommend bikini pants ladies that reach up to just below your breasts, that way any wispy bits still showing will just be an apparent sign of having a hairy chest which is perfectly acceptable, don’t forget you’re trying to cultivate the French look after all. For beginners I would suggest a cheap and elegant first step would be a pair of your granddad’s high-waisted long-johns. They’ll do the trick nicely until you have the confidence to progress a little further each day by rolling down the waistband a few inches at a time until it stands just above your navel. By this time your lower regions will be looking like an old stuffed mattress but that ultimate French look is now only a matter of days away so don’t be too disheartened. Believe it or not, you’ve already achieved in a matter of days what it takes the average French woman a lifetime to achieve – that je ne sais quoi, that sexy Gallic womanly look.
All that’s left is to perfect the sexy walk and you’re there. For beginners with the long-johns it’s advisable to move quickly taking very small steps. Think Bruce Forsyth and if you want to improvise keep shouting things like “C’est un jours bon” or “Donnez-moi une tourne” or “En haut, en bas” or even “Etes vous bon, mon amour?”
This is ideal walking practise for the beginner as the quick short steps will keep the body hair from erupting all over the place while the catch phrases will distract the attention if you do erupt every now and again.
Remember it’s always better to have it all stuffed in securely to start with as it’s usually nigh impossible to try and stuff it all back in after an eruption. An eruption isn’t very pleasant. It’s a bit like opening one of those tubes full of wriggly rubber snakes and just as much of a surprise, not only for you but for anyone in the near vicinity. People have been known to suffer serious hair burns when it happens and innocent bystanders quite often get knocked off their feet.
For men the French look is much easier. If you’re a man try and cultivate that Serge Gainsborough or Charles Aznavour look by hitting yourself senseless with an ugly stick and walking around on your knees with rounded shoulders and the gait of a chimpanzee. It should only be a matter of days before it becomes second nature to you and you can then move on confidently to………The French Breakfast.
So, it’s breakfast time and you’re French. Go to the buffet table and choose two plates of doughnuts, cake, chocolate croissants, buns and Danish pastries. Pile them on your plate in a pyramid that just scrapes the ceiling to keep them steady so they don’t fall over and collapse on the way back to your table. Eat half of one croissant from each pile by sloshing it around in a cup of hot chocolate until the croissant looks like a limp dirty old dishcloth falling apart at the seams and then, this is the best part, get up and go leaving the waitress to throw away the two platefuls of food in the bin. Oh, but before that, just make sure that the tablecloth has enough hot chocolate stains, cake crumbs, dirty serviettes and half open sugar packets with all the sugar you didn’t want sprinkled around the table and on the floor. Make sure the soggy half of croissant that you didn’t eat is left lying on the tablecloth in a pool of hot chocolate instead of on a plate. Spread enough dirty serviettes around to cover all the gaps where the hot chocolate and other debris haven’t reached, add a couple of pairs of dirty underpants, a few used condoms and some cigarette ends and there you have it. Oh and yes, do all this in under ten minutes.
Make sure also, and this is very important so pay attention, make sure that your cup of hot chocolate is overflowing the brim before whacking that croissant in otherwise you won’t be able to make the tidal waves of hot chocolate reach the parts of the tablecloth on the opposite end of the table.
While all this is happening converse with each other very loudly and punctuate the end of each Gallic sentence with noisy snorts as you sniff back the phlegm and snot that threatens to pour out of every one of your orifices.
Bon appetit.
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