Just having another look at the piece of paper Ross gave us on Saturday.
This is Around The World In Eighty Minutes –
‘Around The World In 80 Minutes!! Lights, camera, action – this is your chance to see your reps as you’ve never seen them before. We’ve planned a fabulous package of guaranteed laughter, fun, live singing and professional dancing. A night suitable for big kids and little kids alike with something old, something new, something hilarious and of course something just that little bit blue!!!
Star points –
A mouth-watering meal.
Two whole hours of free flowing sangria, beer and soft drinks.
Kids World team on hand.
Hilarious show.
The best night of your holiday, a night with a difference……Fantastic value for money. You will see various dances and sketches to delight and amuse you. A night full of entertainment complemented by a full meal. This will definitely be the best night of your holiday.’
Bloody hell, exclamation marks working overtime here. Not one, not even content with double but an astounding triple at the end of one sentence. This must be too good to miss! Sorry about that exclamation mark, I got carried away for a minute. Three exclamation marks is a virtual guarantee of a good time isn’t it? And it only costs £22.50 per adult, £11.20 per child. What a bargain. How do they do it for such a reasonable price? Top class entertainment, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous meal and free drinks for two hours only. We’ll have to consider this very carefully I think. Now….let me see….shall we go? What do you think? Did we hell. And that’s exactly what it would be like as we all know full well don’t we?
Mind you, three exclamation marks. Don’t come across them too often. Perhaps we should have gone after all!!!
The poster advertising tonight’s free hotel show is a line drawing of a short, fat bloke dressed in a typical Arabian Night’s costume of turban, waistcoat (no shirt), baggy trousers tied at the ankle and those funny slippers with curly toes. He’s standing on a stage surrounded by writhing snakes. There are snakes everywhere. Snakes entwined around the stage pillars, snakes on the floor, snakes hanging from the ceiling and even snakes in the grass. I made that last one up. The really worrying thing about the poster is the perspective or more to the point, the lack of it. Along the top of the poster is just one word ‘Kirman’ and Kirman is shown standing on the stage holding an enormous sword above his head, the size of which bears no relation to reality. (His sword, not his head). In real life it would be about 20 feet long and would stretch from one side of the stage to the other while the snakes would all be the size of man-eating serpents.
We’ve got to see this haven’t we? Giant swords? Giant snakes? And Kirman. What’s he going to do? Magician? Strong man? Hypnotist? Who knows. But I’ll be there tonight and so will you.
Meanwhile it’s another day by the pool.
Went to a nearby bar for a drink and some tapas and was pleased to see that they served ‘Damm-Bier’. The sort of beer that you can’t ask for nicely can you? No matter how polite you are, no matter how pleasantly you say it accompanied by a friendly smile you just sound like you’ll kill the barman if he gives you any lip. And if you’re really in a foul mood then a bar selling this stuff is a must just so you can sound really, really mean by shouting, “Oi, give me a damn Damm beer and make it snappy bartender.” In fact every time I ask for a Damm-Bier I feel so embarrassed I keep apologising afterwards. It’s getting so bad I’m thinking of changing my drink.
The show’s about to start.
Music from ‘El Cid’ starts playing and someone announces Kirman, pronounced ‘Keerman’. The curtains part and there he is. Looking remarkably like he did on the poster. That’s always a good sign, and yes, he’s holding aloft a big sword…and yes, oh yes….there’s a snake coiled around one end of it. Even his outfit looks surprisingly smart. He’s made an effort at least, not like those Samba dancers on Saturday. This is all boding quite well for a change. By now he’s got rid of his big sword and he’s prowling up and down the stage with the snake draped over his shoulders. He walks up and down, pauses, walks up and down, pauses, walks up and down, pauses and then………wait for it………walks up and down again, pauses, then……..walks up and down again. Bloody hell, when’s he going to do something entertaining?
All this walking up and down has had a remarkable effect on the audience, many of whom are actually standing up to get a better look at the snake, masses of kids are running around the front of the stage trying to touch the snake and there’s even a group of people forming a queue at the side of the stage.
And do you know what Kirman’s act was? All he did was let all these idiots who appeared never to have seen a snake in their lives before, stand on the stage while he draped the poor snake around each of their shoulders.
That’s it.
That’s all he bloody did for the entire time he was on. And the people loved it. Grown men and women were fighting to get up on stage and stand there grinning inanely in front of their friends and relatives with a snake around their shoulders. (Their friends and relatives didn’t have a snake around their shoulders, the people on the stage did)
Un-bloody-believable.
Oh, I forgot. Kirman did vary it a bit. At the end he did about two minutes of fire-eating with real-sized flame torches I might add and his finale consisted of making great play of showing us a sort of small cart wheel of which the spokes had flame torches poking out around the rim. To thunderous applause he slowly and dramatically lit each one until he had a flaming wheel in his hand…..and then what did he do with it?
He held a small axle at the back of it and twiddled the wheel around.
That’s all he did.
That’s all he bloody did.
This was the climax of his act and he twiddled a flaming wooden wheel around a bit.
Then he picked up his big sword, held it aloft again and walked off waving.
I don’t believe this. I know it’s free but bloody hell, this is pathetic.
Can’t wait for the next night’s show.
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