Day o de day ay ay o. Daylight come an' I wanna go home. Day de de day de de day de de day ay ay o. Daylight come an' I wanna go home. Oh come Mr Ferryman carry me bananas........or something like that.....
Yes, you've guessed, it's the Cayman Islands today. Rum punch, bananas, turtles and other tropical island things going on.
Up early, have to leave the ship at 7.45 a.m. to tour Grand Cayman. Last tender back to the ship leaves at 12.30 p.m. so an early start is really necessary. Grand Cayman is the largest of the Cayman Islands located just North West of Jamaica. They were first sighted in 1503 by Christopher Columbus who named them Las Tortugas, Spanish for 'The Turtles'.
The Cayman Islands are British so they drove on the left which made me feel better right away and also gave me some amusement while watching the Americans trying to cross the road.
We were booked on the inevitable coach tour of the Island, the highlight of which was a visit to Hell.
Now Hell is the name of a tiny area in the middle of nowhere consisting of a gift shop/Post Office and two or three shacks. The Post Office is there so you can send postcards to your friends postmarked 'Hell'. What a laugh eh? And much play on the word 'Hell' is used while you're there. In fact I think we heard every conceivable pun on the word 'Hell' while we visited the bloody place.
Our coach driver was a wag.
On the way there, "We're now going to Hell my friends, so you can all say you've been to Hell and survived." Ha ha ha ha
Next was, "It's a Hell of a place." Ha ha ha ha haaah
Followed by oh it doesn't matter you get the idea I'm sure and what fun we had in Hell. I could have stopped there all morning if it wasn't for the fact that once you'd stepped off the coach and read the funny sign about Hell there was nothing else to do. I tried reading the sign slowly (pretending I was an American), I tried translating the sign into French, I went for a stroll around the coach twice, some Hell of a way (sorry), I picked some of last night's dinner out of my teeth and there were still twenty minutes of our scheduled twenty five minute stop still to go.
Totally beaten into defeat by Hellish puns and references to the Devil I wandered slowly around to the side of the rickety old shack that passed for a gift shop and Post Office and to my amazement I saw a sign positioned over a piece of old concrete. The sign said, "The Oldest Cement Top Cistern in Hell". Honestly, it did. I know that you probably think I've embellished a lot of this holiday's experiences, why you should beats me, you probably do though, but I can assure you that everything I've written has had it's basis in fact and The Oldest Cement Top Cistern in Hell was real.
I even took a photograph of it.
Overcome with emotion at this totally unexpected turn of events I clambered wearily back onto the bus and waited with bated breath and closed eyes for the driver's farewell Hell joke.
And there it was, "Let's get the Hell out of here my friends"
"Ha ha ha haah haaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!", went the passengers and some even clapped not many but some mostly the fat single middle aged American women sitting at the front of the coach who fancied the driver.
When the Hellish tour was over we had an hour to kill before getting the tender back to the ship so we wandered around the sea frontage shops for a while. One of the places that had been recommended to us while on board ship was Richard's Black Coral Gallery. A showcase for a local artist's sculptures in black coral, it was a very impressive place. All the pieces were for sale but most were kept under glass such was the beauty and exclusivity of each design. We weren't talking a few dollars here, definitely a few dollars more and you'd have to be Clint Eastwood to afford them too.
There were many small pieces of coral art on display under long glass cases as in a jeweller's shop and assistants on hand to remove them if you showed interest. I was idly standing at one of the counters and was just about to tell one of the assistants that she'd just dropped an eyelash onto the counter when she wrapped it up and sold it to the woman next to me for sixty pounds.
There goes another idea for Pauline's birthday I thought as I slunk out of the shop.
"Black coral? Wouldn't give you tuppence for it", I said to Pauline as we walked away.
Back on board ship it was full steam ahead in order to reach the coast of Mexico tomorrow.
Our cabin steward is a short fat shifty looking git of Arabian extraction called Omar and it's his job to look after our cabin, make the beds, clean it up etc. It seems that all the cabin stewards have been trained in the art of making models out of items of clothing or any other cloth that might be lying about.
For instance one night we returned to the cabin to find a white fluffy elephant on Emma's bed which had been made out of two bath towels, it was really quite cleverly done. Another night there was a dog on the bed again made out of towels and on yet another evening we returned to find a crab made out of one of Pauline's night dresses. All Pauline said was, "Uuurgh,
that filthy bastard's been rummaging in my underwear drawer, the pervert."
I tested Omar out by leaving a pair of my dirty underpants on the floor and we came back to find he'd transformed them into a perfect replica of the Wandsworth sewage works on the bed complete with those sprinkler things that go round and round.
The Americans at dinner ordered three portions of the main course tonight. It was steak. I watched them, smiled at them and felt ill.
Things I Could Have Done Today ........ But Was Too Busy Watching Paint Dry
07.00 Gymnasium opens.
12.30 Super Sangria Sail away Party
13.00 Sail away fun with Cedric
14.30 Anti aging seminar
15.30 Grandparents and Honeymooners Party
16.00 Ping Pong Get Together
17.00 Golf Putting Competition
Guac 'n' Rock Party
17.15 'Name That Tune' with Jim and Charlie
17.30 Blackjack Tournament
18.30 Karaoke Party
20.30 Men's Knobby Knees Competition (Yes, it did say 'Knobby')
22.30 Guest's Talent Show
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