The continuing diaries of an Englishman abroad visiting such exotic places as Spain, USA, Malta and heaven knows where. Tagging along are his wife Pauline and daughter Emma.

Everything you are about to read is based on true events and real people. It may have been embellished beyond recognition for a cheap laugh but everything happened to a greater or lesser degree. Apart from the bits I made up. OK, and apart from the jokes. And apart from the fantasy sequences. But all the characters are real, believe me.


Exciting isn't it?


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

USA 2001 - Day 5



We drove to Burbank today for a tour of the Warner studios. This is a huge complex and a working studio where they currently make a large proportion of all the American rubbish that they send over to us. In the old days it was where all the Warner feature films were made but now it’s mainly used for TV series. The tour itself had to be pre-booked and numbers were limited on each tour. We were taken around on a sort of open-sided trailer about a dozen people per car.

The first stop was to the Warner Bros. museum that housed some incredible film memorabilia. There were the metal discs of the soundtrack to the original showings of “The Jazz Singer” the first talkie, costumes worn by the likes of Errol Flynn, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Edward G Robinson, James Cagney, Humphrey Bogart and numerous other stars from the thirties onwards. Letters written to the studio from John Wayne and Errol Flynn and many props and effects used on so many of the classic Warner films. There were the six “Best Picture” Oscars won by the studio, a dress worn by Audrey Hepburn in “My Fair Lady” and Clint Eastwood’s guns in “Unforgiven”.

On show also was one of two original Maltese Falcons, the tail feathers of which had been bent when Humphrey Bogart dropped it during filming. There were the original Gremlins creatures, mounted on top of football helmets that were worn by extras dashing about during the filming. There were Mel Gibson’s and Danny Glover’s outfits from “Lethal Weapon”, Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman outfit from “Batman”, Kevin Costner’s briefcase and eyeglasses from “JFK”, Goldie Hawn’s “Private Benjamin” uniform, Bruce Lee’s jacket from “Enter The Dragon”, Natalie Wood’s gown from “Gypsy”, piano and chandelier from “Casablanca” and the storyboard from Martin Scorcese’s “Mean Streets”.

The thing that impressed Emma the most however was the door from “The Exorcist” and the crucifix that Linda Blair stabs herself in the leg with about 15 times.

I was looking at the piano that Dooley Wilson played when he sang “As Time Goes By” in “Casablanca” when I turned to one of the museum guides and mentioned how small it was. It really was a tiny piano, only about two or three octaves across and very low and compact. This old chap said, in a strong Brooklyn accent, “How big d’ya wan’ it to be? You don’ need 88 keys if ya ain’t playin’ Tchaikovsky. This pianna was called a cabaret pianna an’ in the old days cabaret pianists used to use ‘em so they could easily be wheeled from table to table as they entertained the diners.”

This old man who was in his late seventies or early eighties turned out to be a lighting director who had worked in the film industry from a very early age and was full of anecdotes about the “old days”. I spent a long time chatting to him and when I came away I regretted not having asked him his name just in case I ever came across it on some of the old film credits.

After leaving the museum we toured the Warner back lots which included the front and emergency entrances of the ER hospital and some of the exterior shots as used in ‘Friends’. Pauline and Emma are fanatical about ‘Friends’, as is Sophia and practically every other female I’ve ever met so when we were told that we’d be visiting the actual set of ‘Friends’ they found it difficult to contain their excitement.

Unfortunately they weren’t allowed to take photographs of the set for copyright reasons so they have no permanent souvenir of what undoubtedly was the highlight of their holiday to date. As for me? I couldn’t care less as I never watch the show. Unfortunately it’s one of those shows where you seem to know all about it even though you haven’t seen it.

We were also shown around the set of a new US series being filmed called “The Gilmore Girls” which is being pushed as the next big thing in the States. It hasn’t reached the UK yet, thank God. We were taken around to those parts of the studio which weren’t out of bounds due to things like closed sets for filming and as far as the studio was concerned it was a normal working day. Consequently we had to be careful not to get in anybody’s way. We didn’t see any actual filming in progress unfortunately, although there were always loads of lighting, engineering and general maintenance men going about their business.

It was an interesting tour but I think we all expected to see some actual shows in progress. Although they did say they were filming an episode of ER that day, most of the other shows were on their summer break.

Back to Hollywood for the afternoon and another stroll around. The girls wanted a McDonalds (yes, again) and we went in. While we were waiting in there I was approached twice for money by two different down and outs, in fact McDonalds seemed to be one of their favourite haunts for some reason. It’s not only old tramps that talk to you, everyone seems to. You can’t open your mouth without the usual comment “Hey, where you guys from?” and often people just talk to you for no reason other than the fact that you’re just standing next to them.

While we’d stopped waiting to cross a road, this woman pointed at Emma and said to Pauline, “Well she looks just like you but your other one, I’m not so sure about.” Pauline then had to explain that her other one was Sophia, Emma’s friend. This seemed to satisfy her and off the woman went with a cheery “You guys have a nice day now.”

OK, you too,” we all chorused back at the top of our voices. No we didn’t. I ignored her and Pauline smiled and nodded.

But what a thing to say to some stranger on the street eh? I mean it’s one thing to think someone’s child is nothing like her parents but would you really mention it to a stranger straight out like she did? For all she knew, Sophia might have been my child from a previous relationship of which Pauline had been so resentful that here we are, on holiday as a final make or break attempt to patch up the differences in our marriage caused by my love child. This woman could have been meddling irresponsibly with people’s lives here. For all she knew, what she said could have been the final straw, pushing Pauline over the edge and into homicidal madness and terminal depression sentencing her to a life of psychiatrists and mental institutions.

So just think twice old woman before you chat to any more strangers in the street!

Further on we passed the Roosevelt Hotel, outside of which were stacks of filming equipment with about twenty technicians idling around in the street. The side street to the hotel had been closed off by two burly motorcycle cops and people were slowing down to see what was going on. I asked one of the technicians what was happening and he said that Britney Spears was inside shooting some scenes for a film. Although Emma and Sophia didn’t get to see Britney, it was enough for them to know that she was just a few yards away inside the building. It made their day. You don’t get things like this happening in Maidstone High Street do you?

Tonight we went to the theatre to see “The Lion King” which we booked last night. The air-conditioning was on during the performance and made the place absolutely freezing. Quite a few people where we were sitting had put their coats on and you could feel this really cold air blowing out from under the seats. It was so cold that Pauline complained to the management and asked for it to be turned off.

Guess what? They turned it off.

Terrific show but bloody expensive. The kids loved it.

You know this is the fifth day in the US and in every motel so far the taps are different. Every time we move on to a new motel I have to have a short instruction course from Emma on how to turn the flipping water on.

Today’s tap is a pull up and turn one.

Yesterday we had a pull down and twist one.

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